Grandpa Bill

He's sick.  Very much so.  We're expecting that at any time we'll hear he passed.  I hope not of course and God can pull him through If it's his will.  But I sure wish I could take you to visit.  It would make him so happy.  He loved family and always enjoyed visiting with us.  He loved you boys. I feel bad we didn't make more efforts to see him,  or to invite him over,  while we could.  Life is fleeting.  You never know when you see a person, if it could be your last chance to see them.  To tell them how you feel.  Or just chat.  I hope at some point you all learn not to take for granted the time we had.  Who would have thought there'd be a morning that I wouldn't wake to hearing laughter or arguments.  That I wouldn't celebrate muffin Mondays or toast Tuesdays or waffle Wednesdays.  That I wouldn't be able to kiss you good night.  One day,  unexpectedly,  something you held dear is Gone and you are left with the emptiness instead. I just believe in holding on to faith, leaning on God, putting one foot before another.  One day we will be with Christ in heaven, all will be laid before him,  and we will know peace have we lived for him. God's will be gone.  I love you all.  Every moment of every day. With every breath and every beat of my heart.

Mom in another silly hat

Yeah. .. Your mom can't resist putting funny things on my head.

Mom in a silly hat

I get the weirdest things at work and of course I wear them!

Miss you

Missing you more than you know.  Wishing I could see you in your costumes.  Go freeze my butt off taking you trick or treating.  I love you all so very very much.  My heart aches for wanting to just simply say. .. I love you.

The Heart ache of the day.

My heart aches all the time.  Never stops. I'm strong but sometimes I wish I wasn't.  In the words of Mother Theresa  "God doesn't give us more than we can handle. But I wish he didn't trust me so much" I get tired sometimes but then he reminds me I'm not alone in this.  I have to lean on him and trust.  I know it's a hard thing to do,  let go of control.  But I pray that you boys learn the lesson easier than I have.  But you have my stubbornness and your dad's self confidence so.  It isn't likely. But please have faith.  Know that just as God is here and loves you. . so do I.

My heart

I will never give up until I take my last breath.  I love you with my very essence.  Forever and eternity.  One day you will know.  You will see.

Guess what?

I'm sending you boys a package.  This is a sneak peek.

Not much

Thinking of you.  Missing you.  Loving You. Nothing more and certainly nothing less.

Boring work

Today for work I had to drive to Ennis Texas.  It was rainy and yucky and just not fun.  I hope that you all had a better day.  I sure love and miss you all. 

Working. ... working. ..

Mom at work.  I'm reorganizing and it stinks

Boring

Same ol same ol. Work. .. more work. .. And missing you.  So very very much.

My children

praying

I'm at St.  Joes. I lit candles.  1 for each of us.  I continue to pray. .. and hope

New arrows

My old ones were getting beat up.  These are longer so maybe uncle Brian can shoot them.  He likes to shoot my left handed bow but he has a much longer pull than I do so he couldn't shoot my short ones.  He will have to ignore the hot pink flights. :P

HP

This used to be EDS and your dad used to work there

Blah

driving. .. boring. ..

Work

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AyLPOnd45zU&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Echoes

I'm usually pretty good at pushing the emptiness down. .. some days though, the hollowness echoes throughout my body and mind.  I lay and cry.  I think of you all.  I loved you each from the moment I knew you existed.  I'd speak to you from the depths of my heart, tell you all my secrets.  You can do that to a baby. ..just pour your heart out.  You were my universe.  My reason for living.  I did everything I could to give you all the best lives I could.  I wanted you to always have your needs met and a clean house and yummy meals.  I would have sheltered you all to the extent of never feeling any pains if I could.  I couldn't.  I tried.  I really did.  I wish I could shelter you still.  I don't know if you feel the pain I do.  At times it's excruciating and unbearable.  A huge chunk of me is missing.  And there is the part that still struggles to understand why.  I've stood by you all.  I will continue to do so till my dying breath.  You are my Angels.  I carried you all in my womb,  fed you at my breast, and gave you each my heart. It seems to be my burden to have those I've entrusted with my heart, crush it ruthlessly.  I'm getting used to the pain. But no matter the pain,  I find the faith to keep on breathing.  I pray for the future and the day I can hold you all and tell you how much I love you.

Nothing special

Just a note to say I love you.  It's the one thing I can't say enough but I'm not able to say at all.  I love you boys with all my heart and soul.

Just a note

I miss talking to you boys.  It breaks my heart when you don't talk to mom. But no matter how much I hurt I'll still stand by you all and I'll always be here and loving you no matter what.  Nothing that you, nor anyone else, do can stop me loving you.  I hope you are feeling better and that school is going ok. I'm working very very hard.  So nothing new or exciting to report. Love always and forever. ... mom

HAPPY FRIDAY

I hope that you all had a great first week of school. You boys are all so smart I'm sure that you'll do great . It was long week for me considering it was a holiday on Monday.  I've been working very very hard.  I push myself to the point sometimes I think I'll break.  But I do it for a reason. I hope that you boys learn to take better care of yourselves than I do of me.  It's important to work hard and always do your best, but you also have to find the balance of work, faith, family and self.  You have to take care of yourselves with food, exercise and finding ways to relax so that you don't break yourselves down.  You need faith so that you don't lose track of who you owe your life to in the first place and faith is good for yourself too. You have to take time for family and learn to not take them for granted.  Your wives will need to feel loved and honored by you.  Your children loved by and listened to by you. And you never know when you could lose them so take time when you can. ..while you can.  All those years. Being there with you all.  Loving You,  caring for you, cooking for you, cleaning for you and playing with you.  I never imagined that would have been taken from me as it has. I could never have imagined the heart ache I would feel not being able to do those things I took for granted.  But no one could see that I raised my face to God at least once a day to thank him for you boys.  I did.  Now my prayer changes a bit.  I pray every single day to be able to love you all again.  But I mean by holding you in my arms and hearing your voices, etc.  For I love you every single second of every single day.  With my every heart beat, my every breath.  I love you.

HAPPY FRIDAY

I hope that you all had a great first week of school. You boys are all so smart I'm sure that you'll do great . It was long week for me considering it was a holiday on Monday.  I've been working very very hard.  I push myself to the point sometimes I think I'll break.  But I do it for a reason. I hope that you boys learn to take better care of yourselves than I do of me.  It's important to work hard and always do your best, but you also have to find the balance of work, faith, family and self.  You have to take care of yourselves with food, exercise and finding ways to relax so that you don't break yourselves down.  You need faith so that you don't lose track of who you owe your life to in the fireplace and faith is good for yourself too. You have to take time for family and learn to not take them for granted.  Your wives will need to feel loved and honored by you.  Your children loved by and listened to by you. And you never know when you could lose them so take time when you can. ..while you can.  All those years. Being there with you all.  Loving You,  caring for you, cooking for you, cleaning for you and playing with you.  I never imagined that would have been taken from me as it has. I could never have imagined the heart ache I would feel not being able to do those things I took for granted.  But no one could see that I raised my face to God at least once a day to thank him for you boys.  I did.  Now my prayer changes a bit.  I pray every single day to be able to love you all again.  But I mean by holding you in my arms and hearing your voices, etc.  For I love you every single second of every single day.  With my every heart beat, my every breath.  I love you.

Good luck

I wish you boys all the best for the coming school year.  My heart aches that I'm not a part of it.  You are my boys and I love you with all my heart and soul.  Forever.  Nothing can ever change that.  I'm always here for you if you need me.  I matter what.

Missed

You ARE missed.  Every second of every day. .. must some days are harder than others

Having a rough day

I went go eBay and saw photos of you boys and cried. .. Then printed photos of you to put in the New frame I got. . and cried.

Thinking of you

When am I not. .. lol. Skipped gaming today.  Cleaned, did laundry,  rearranged the kitchen, set up the fish tank (no fish yet). it's very hot outside.  I'm working on getting things together to eBay more so I can save more money.  Nothing exciting for you guys.  Maybe we can set up X box live and play together? I sure do miss you all

To work or not to work. ..

I'm at work but the owners daughter used my computer and now it's loaded with malware... and the site I use is down too. I'm not sure there is much work I can get done while I'm scanning my computer. .. so I'm wondering if I should just go home and get some of my own work done. .

headed home. ... gave up

Missing you

Sometimes I just cry. .. Because. .. I miss you all so much

weird

I thought this guy looked like daddy

Hunger games?

Your mom is getting better

Sorry

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile.  I was given the impression you don't ever read this blog.  But I've decided I should keep it going anyway.  I miss you. I love you. I think about you every single day.  You are each a part of my heart.  I want more than anything to hold you and hug you and hear you talk and laugh and play. Nothing exciting going on here.  I work. .. a LOT.  I shoot archery sometimes.  It helps me destress.  But no matter what I have emptiness. .. emptiness from not being with you boys. 

Thoughts

I'm sure you don't read this...but i miss you all. So very much. I love you so very much.

I love you boys. With all of my heart. I am incomplete without you.
You are the first thing I think of when I wake and what I am thinking about as I lie in bed praying.
Without you, I am hollow.
I pray for you to know me for who I am. But know that this person loves you with all of her heart and soul. More than anything else on the face of this planet .. or in this universe.
Know.  Please. And never forget it.

I missing you boys. SO very much.
I do love you. With all of my heart.
I can't say it enough.

Lunch

Trying to eat lunch with this face staring at me

This place is going to the dogs

This is my coworker.....
Actually it's my bosses dog. One of 2. Cuppy (however you spell it) is in the other room. She's a tiny teacup chihuahua. I was coming back from the bathroom and she growled at me wanting me to play. It was the tiniest growl

Game time

I'm all set up at Uncle Allen's playing the RPG shadow run. It's a Fun game that uses a lot of dice. I'm knitting too.

Work....again...

I'm getting to work. Thinking of you 5.

Going to Work .. at Wally World

Yeah so this video is kind of boring but it is so you can see me going to work (this was my last day working at walmart) . You can walk out Uncle Allen's garage and see Walmart so it was a short commute. But.. just so you can see a bit of what your mom does. Sorry no videos of me at the cash register. I am sure there would be permissions involved in filming complete strangers.


              

Hello from your mom!!

             Just a short hello from Mom



              

Ash and her Ice Cream

Went to a family gathering. It was HUGE.. there was 33 of us in one room. I haven't seen many of them in YEARS AND YEARS. It was pretty impressive.. but all in all it was missing something... 5 somethings... MY BOYS!! Your cousins were there and being wacky as usual. Ashlynn decided she liked her ice cream SO MUCH she took her sisters and ate them both....a spoon in each hand.. I have video ....

             

Just a short video of your mom being silly at the family gathering/ Dinner. .....




             

Work work work

So I'm sitting at work doing what i do and missing you guys. I think about you all day every day. I love you. I wish we were together.

Adventures in Eating.
Went to Lunch at a place called Firehouse subs.
You know your mom is a big kid.. so I couldn't resist grabbing the kid's fireman hat.

I miss my boys. They are in my thoughts constantly. My heart has a great void .. five voids to be exact. It makes my heart hollow. There are other things that can fill nooks and crannys but nothing can fill the VAST voids that can only be filled by my beautiful boys. I love them.. so much.
This blog will be a way to write down my thoughts and goings on that I wish to share with them as I can't by being so far away and being limited on my skype time. I hope they visit it often and read what I have written and watch the videos I have shared.
With all my heart ~ Mom